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Don't ask their attachment style
Poor self-identifiers
People are terrible at self-identifying. On dating apps everyone wants someone healthy, confident, and secure, and most people reading that think it describes them. Attachment styles are also fluid, so noticing patterns of behavior comes before diagnosing anyone.
The scanning trap
If a date announces they're avoidant, you become hypervigilant and constantly scan, waiting for them to disappoint you. At that point you are trying to get them to choose you instead of connecting with them. Seeking connection means being yourself and hoping it works. Testing someone is a chess game that keeps you out of the moment.
A better question
A better question to ask a partner is what did you hear me say? He might answer that he heard that he doesn't do anything right. She apologizes for how it came off and shares what she meant. Understanding his view doesn't require giving up hers.
Why are people poor judges of themselves?
In 1999, Justin Kruger and David Dunning of Cornell University tested people on humor, grammar, and logic. Those who scored in the bottom quarter estimated their performance as well above average. Dunning and Kruger argued that the skills needed to do well at a task are the same skills needed to recognize doing it well. The finding is widely known as the Dunning-Kruger effect.
Do attachment styles change over a lifetime?
In a 2000 study in Child Development, Everett Waters and colleagues followed people from infancy into early adulthood and reassessed their attachment about twenty years later. A majority kept the same classification, while a sizable minority shifted. The shifts were linked to negative life events such as the loss of a parent or a parental divorce.
Why does expecting rejection invite it?
Geraldine Downey and Scott Feldman described rejection sensitivity in 1996 as the tendency to anxiously expect rejection, readily perceive it, and react intensely. In their studies, people high in rejection sensitivity read ambiguous behavior as rejecting and acted in ways that irritated their partners. Their relationships were more likely to end as a result. The work appeared in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
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