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Enough to grieve what's missing
The grief test
No one person is all things. If a partner is dismissive, cold, or unwilling to show you off, the question is whether you can grieve not having someone gregarious, big, and funny. For some people the answer is no. Another version of the test: are you getting 80 percent with a 20 percent you can let go, or is the bank account always in the red?
The salary comparison
Picture needing a salary of $100,000 and being offered $20,000. You take it because you're scared you will never find anyone else. Your needs go unmet, resentment grows, and the employer points out that they told you all they had was 20.
The Gottman numbers
A Gottman study matches the math. Partners who answered bids for affection, connection, communication, and repair 33 percent of the time or less were likely to end in divorce, and those who answered 88 percent of the time were likely to have a long-term marriage. Eighty-eight out of 100 isn't perfect, and it does the job.
How did Gottman study everyday moments between couples?
In the 1980s, John Gottman's lab at the University of Washington had newlywed couples spend a day in a lab set up like an apartment while cameras recorded them. A bid is a small attempt to get attention or connection, such as pointing out a bird outside the window. The researchers counted how often partners turned toward each other's bids and followed the couples for six years to see who stayed married.
Why is good enough enough in relationships?
Pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott introduced the idea of the good-enough mother in the early 1950s. He argued that infants need caregivers who respond well most of the time, because small, manageable failures are how a child learns to cope. A perfect caregiver would deny the child that practice. The idea later spread from parenting into discussions of adult relationships.
How does resentment turn into contempt?
Gottman identified four corrosive behaviors, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and named them the Four Horsemen after the figures in the Book of Revelation. Of the four, he found contempt, which includes sarcasm, mockery, and eye-rolling, to be the strongest predictor of divorce. Contempt grows from a long run of negative thoughts about a partner. Gottman described the four behaviors in the 1990s.
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