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If it's me, I can fix it
If I'm the problem
Take someone in a relationship of five or ten years whose partner says they don't like labels. Rather than answering that they do and that this arrangement doesn't work for them, they decide they are probably being too much and pushing too hard. If I'm the problem, they reason, I can fix it, and if I can fix it, I can get what I want.
What you control
The other person's choices are the last thing anyone controls. What a person controls is how they show up and what they are willing to allow.
People pleasing
People pleasing can be manipulative, without any intent to hurt anyone. Saying yes out of fear of what follows a no isn't authentic, takes up no space, and abandons the self. A person terrified of losing someone has already lost themselves to keep them.
Why does self-blame feel like control?
In 1979, psychologist Ronnie Janoff-Bulman distinguished behavioral self-blame, which targets one's actions, from characterological self-blame, which targets one's character. Her study of people who had experienced victimization found that behavioral self-blame was tied to a belief that future harm could be avoided. In that sense, blaming one's own behavior preserves a sense of control. The work appeared in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
How does the illusion of control work?
In 1975, psychologist Ellen Langer named the illusion of control, the tendency to act as if skill can influence outcomes that are really chance. In her lottery experiment, people who chose their own ticket demanded far more money to sell it than people who were handed a ticket. Cues such as choice, familiarity, and effort made chance outcomes feel controllable.
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