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The pull of envy
When a friend is thriving and a person is struggling, what stirs is envy, an emotion meant to remind them of what they really want. It tends to go wrong, tipping into comparison, a sense of falling behind, sadness, and even grief when the thing seems out of reach, like a friend's pregnancy when pregnancy is not possible, or a wedding when you are the single one.
What works instead
Forcing yourself to feel happy for them fails. What works is deciding that the relationship is valued and going to the motivation that makes the happiness real: this person is cared about, has suffered in other ways too, and deserves to enjoy this and feel supported in it. Then comes an authentic expression, like telling them you are so happy for them and asking for more about it, without trying to fix your own feeling first.
Showing up anyway
Friends often hide their happiness to avoid hurting someone. Showing up anyway, by text, call, or attending the shower or wedding, brings back a signal of connection. That connection can make a person feel less alone in what they are going through, even when the friend is pregnant and the person is grieving a child they cannot have.
Why does a close friend's success sting more?
Psychologist Leon Festinger described social comparison in 1954: people judge themselves by measuring against others. Abraham Tesser built on this with his self-evaluation maintenance model in 1988. It holds that a close person's success threatens most when it falls in an area that matters deeply to one's own identity. When the area matters less, the same success tends to bring pride instead. Both effects have been found in studies of siblings, friends, and classmates.
Why does the response to good news matter?
Psychologist Shelly Gable and colleagues studied how people respond when a partner shares good news. In a 2004 paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, they found that active and enthusiastic responses, such as asking questions and showing interest, were linked to stronger relationship satisfaction and closeness. Passive or dismissive responses were linked to weaker outcomes. Gable called sharing good news and receiving a warm response capitalization.
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