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Timing matters more than love
People outgrow each other
People outgrow each other. Life happens: someone loses something, quits a job, or changes. Love is not enough, and it never has been.
The wrong-time fallacy
That is why right person, wrong time is a fallacy. What makes someone the right person is that they are in your life at the right time. Picture two exes who break up, and one goes and does all the work on herself. Years later, coming back together might mean she isn't interested at all. She can see what she hated, and she's now okay setting boundaries.
Romanticizing a mess
Romanticizing a mess gives it meaning, and staying feels like strength, as if making it work were a kind of martyrdom. Meanwhile the years don't come back.
Why does living nearby create bonds?
In the late 1940s, Leon Festinger, Stanley Schachter, and Kurt Back studied friendships among residents of a university housing complex at MIT called Westgate West. People were most likely to be friends with those who lived next door, and next most with those on the same floor. Residents at the foot of the stairs had more friends than others, because they crossed paths with more people. The study was published in 1950.
Why do partners grow apart?
In a 2006 meta-analysis in Psychological Bulletin, Brent Roberts, Kate Walton, and Wolfgang Viechtbauer combined 92 longitudinal studies of personality. They found that personality traits keep changing across adulthood, with the largest shifts between ages 20 and 40. Two people who match well at one stage can end up at different places a decade later.
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