A pretend friendship cannot make you feel connected
Praise for a polished act never reaches the person hiding behind it.
Make Me Smile with Miist · Ep. 48: Be AuthenticMiist, who writes about happiness, was looking at a drawing by her 11-year-old daughter. The picture showed a wild dog, part tame and part wild, with words about scars and wounds. Miist says her daughter feels pressure “to put on a public face” while her inner self is different.
She compares friendship to pretend cooking: “You cannot have a pretend friendship and feel connected.”
In her account, approval aimed at a stand-in never reaches the person hiding behind it. If the polished version seems to please people, showing the real one feels risky. Yet without showing it, other people cannot know, like, or accept you, so connection stays out of reach.
She traces that gap to the time after she set aside a persona that was always helpful, agreeable, and never sad. She lost friends who could not accept the change. They had liked a pretend version that always agreed with them, and she calls that not true friendship.
Miist uses Peking duck as her example of pretend cooking. A child can stir pots in a pretend kitchen, but wishing does not make dinner: “You cannot eat a pretend duck and feel satisfied.” A pretend friendship, in the same terms, does not feel connected.
Questions people ask
Is there research connecting authenticity to well-being?
Yes. Psychologists distinguish between feeling authentic in daily life and feeling false or self-alienated. In surveys and diary studies, people report higher life satisfaction, more positive mood, and lower anxiety on days and in roles when they feel they are acting in line with their values. The effect holds even after accounting for general personality traits.
How can I tell if I am pretending with friends?
Look for a gap between what you feel inside and what you show outside, especially around agreement and mood. Common signs are automatically saying you are fine when you are struggling, laughing along when you disagree, and feeling drained rather than settled after time together.
Does being authentic mean saying everything I think?
No. Researchers and therapists usually define authenticity as awareness of your feelings and values, and honest expression when it matters, paired with kindness and judgment about context. You can choose not to share something private, soften your wording, or wait for a better moment and still be authentic.