Assume People Like You, Then Ask for Their Number
The liking gap makes us underestimate new acquaintances, so act as if you were liked and ask to stay in touch.
Life Kit · 5 rituals to reclaim that back-to-school buzzMarisa Franco, the author of the book Platonic, studies how adult friendships start, and her advice begins with a mental reset. Stop trusting your first guess about whether a new acquaintance liked you, because that guess usually runs too low.
The reason is what researchers call the liking gap. When strangers talk, each side underestimates how much the other person liked them. Franco says the gap grows larger for self-critical people, and that rejection is less likely than you think.
Her workaround is to start from the idea that you were liked unless you hear otherwise. Treat worry about rejection as a faulty forecast, and let the friendlier assumption guide what you do next.
What you do next is ask, what Franco calls "shoot your shot." She suggests closing a good talk with words close to this: "Hey, it's been so great to talk to you. I'd love to connect further. Do you mind if we exchange contact information and reach out?"
Franco presents that direct question as a way to connect further after a good talk. Expect the first meeting to feel uncomfortable, and do not read that discomfort as a sign to hold back. Assume you were liked, ask for the contact, and give a possible friendship a way to continue.
Questions people ask
What should I say after we exchange numbers?
Franco's line gets you the contact. For the next step, author Kat Vellos advises following up soon with something specific, rather than saying, "we should hang out sometime." Marielle Segarra suggests inviting someone you met playing softball to the batting cages the next week.
What if I am very self-critical and still feel rejected?
Franco says the underestimation in the liking gap is more pronounced for self-critical people. Remind yourself that rejection is less likely than you think, and proceed as if you were liked unless you are told otherwise.