Don't Trash Your Kid's Ex-Friends, They May Reunite in High School
Middle school friendships often circle back by high school, so staying neutral keeps the way open.
Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life · 291: How Your Kid’s Exclusion Hurts You Too | Michelle IcardMiddle school expert Michelle Icard was talking with psychologist Lisa Damour about a letter from the parents of a 13-year-old. Their daughter is headed into eighth grade and has been edged out among eight or nine longtime friends she has known for years, and the parents asked whether to stay out of it or step in to help, and if so, how.
Icard answered with an analogy. "They might get back together again," she said. "So you're neutral."
She meant the situation is like a friend's breakup. You can have compassion for the heartbreak, Icard argued, but if you start railing against the ex-boyfriend, you send a second message: I cannot believe you ever dated someone like that. Applied to middle school, trashing the former friends tells your daughter that her own taste in friends was bad, and it puts her in the awkward spot of defending a friendship that lasted for years.
Staying neutral also protects the future, Icard believes. Eighth grade is a tough year for shifting interests, but by mid high school, "these girls might come back around," Icard said, once their interests converge again. Icard warned against trying to "socially engineer" the outcome by saying, "But you've been friends since kindergarten," because it backfires and destroys the path back to each other.
Damour added her own reason to hold back. Things in middle school happen in 40 dimensions, she said, children take in 20 of them, and parents take in only two. To interfere, in her words, when "we don't know what we're doing" is to act without understanding what is really going on.
The hurt is real, both agreed. But the job, as Icard sees it, is to empathize without taking over the breakup.
Questions people ask
What should I say instead when my child is crying about being left out?
Acknowledge the pain first, without rushing to fix it. Psychologists often suggest saying something like, this stinks, then asking, what is something you could do to feel a little better? That lets your child propose a next step, like taking a break from social media or inviting a different friend over.
Do these friend groups really get back together?
Often, yes, though not always with the same closeness. Early teens tend to sort by fast-changing interests and identities, and those differences can narrow in later high school as kids become more secure. Even when the exact group does not reform, many kids reconnect one-on-one with old friends.
Is there ever a time I should step in with the other parents or school?
Yes. Ordinary exclusion, shifting plans, and cool posturing are different from repeated bullying, threats, or harassment. If your child is being targeted, humiliated, or feels unsafe, contact the school counselor or administrator and document what is happening. You can stay neutral about friendship drama and still be firm about cruelty.