Dr. Gottman Says How a Couple Fights Can Predict a Breakup
Left unchanged, four fighting habits signal failure with over 90% accuracy, Gottman says.
The Gottman Institute · Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse | The Gottman Institute: Relationship Behaviors that Lead to FailureDr. John Gottman, a relationship researcher who studies couples, says you can predict whether a relationship will fail with over 90% accuracy if four fighting habits do not change.
He calls them "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. In real life, they sound like "You're so selfish!" "Ugh, what an idiot." "It's not my fault we're always late." "Forget it..."
Criticism attacks character rather than a specific behavior, contempt adds mockery such as sarcasm or eye rolling, defensiveness deflects blame back to the partner, and stonewalling withdraws without resolving anything.
That prediction means strong odds, not certainty for any one couple. His antidotes are to use I-statements and state a positive need, treat each other with respect and appreciation, accept responsibility for at least part of a conflict, and take at least a 20-minute break to calm down before returning to the conversation.