Eye-Rolling and Mockery Predict Breakups Better Than Anything Else
It signals superiority, and the antidote is deliberate appreciation and respect.
The Gottman Institute · Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse | The Gottman Institute: Relationship Behaviors that Lead to FailureDr. John Gottman, who identified four destructive communication patterns he calls "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," says contempt is the strongest warning sign a relationship will fail.
The other three are criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling. He describes contempt as acting superior through sneers, sarcastic put-downs, insults and mocking jokes.
The antidote, in his account, is to show mutual respect and foster what he calls a "culture of appreciation" inside the relationship. Contempt, he says, must be eliminated.
Questions people ask
What is the difference between criticism and contempt?
Criticism targets a partner's character, as in "you are selfish," rather than a specific behavior. Contempt expresses superiority, through mockery, sneering, name-calling or hostile humor.
How do you actually build a culture of appreciation?
It means regularly noticing and stating what a partner does right, through thanks, affection and respect in ordinary moments. The goal is to keep respect steady so that disagreements don't turn into put-downs.
Why would eye-rolling matter more than an ordinary complaint?
In Gottman's account, eye-rolling counts as contempt because it signals that one partner feels superior to the other. That is why he treats it as more serious than an ordinary complaint: he calls contempt the greatest predictor that a relationship will fail.