Guilt Fears Being Too Big, Shame Fears Being Too Small
Psychoanalyst Galit Atlas says the same person can hold both fears, which is why winning can feel as threatening as losing.
10% Happier with Dan Harris · Your 'Inner Child' Runs Your Life. Here's How To Spot It and Take Back the Wheel. | Dr. Galit AtlasGuilt is less about doing badly than about doing too well.
That is how psychoanalyst Galit Atlas draws the line between two inner states that often get confused. A guilty child, in her account, is very afraid of his or her own power. Winning, having a lot, or standing on the edge of something big can bring anxiety and even panic attacks. Shame works in reverse. An ashamed child is afraid of smallness, of feeling fundamentally bad, inadequate, or irrelevant.
The surprise is that the same person can hold both. Atlas says you can be afraid of being too big and afraid of being too small at once. Dan Harris, the host, offers himself as an example: he gets panic around public speaking, which could be fear of being too big, while, in his words, "I spend a lot of time worrying about my ongoing relevance," which is fear of being too small.
The fear of bigness helps explain why success can feel as threatening as failure. Most people assume we fear failure more, but Atlas argues we fear success just as much. Success raises uncomfortable questions: Did I take this from someone else, will other people hate me for it, will they envy me, am I too much?
In Atlas's wording, the split is being afraid of bigness versus being afraid of smallness. One can feel as if taking up too much room, and the other can feel as if barely taking up any room at all. The clue is the direction of the worry, whether it points up toward having a lot and being too big, or down toward being too small.
Questions people ask
Can you be both a guilty child and an ashamed child?
Yes. Atlas says everyone sits on a continuum and can hold more than one pattern at once. The host's own example was fear of public speaking on the big side, and worry about ongoing relevance on the small side.
How can I tell which one I am feeling?
Listen for the direction of the worry. Guilt points upward, toward bigness: I won, I have a lot, I am about to do something big, and now I feel exposed. Shame points downward, toward smallness: I am bad, inadequate, or at risk of disappearing.
Why would success cause anxiety or panic?
Atlas links it to fears about impact on other people. Success can bring thoughts that you took something from others, that you are too much, and that others will envy or hate you. That anticipated backlash can make a win feel dangerous.