In Person, Men and Women Like Looks and Ambition About Equally

Ask men and women what they want in a partner, and the answers split by sex. Ask them after they have met someone face to face, and the split for looks and earning prospects shrinks to nearly nothing.

For decades, questionnaires have produced the same pattern. Men say they care more about physical attractiveness in a partner than women do, and women say they care more about earning potential than men do, said Paul Eastwick, a psychologist who studies attraction. Those stated preferences are real, but they measure what people say they want when they rate a list of traits.

Eastwick wanted to measure something closer to real life: when you meet 10 people, how much does each person's looks or ambition drive whether you want to see them again.

So he and his colleagues ran speed dating studies. In one version focused on earning prospects, men went on a series of short dates with women who differed in ambition. Some were, in Eastwick's words, "going to be lawyers and doctors," while others were a little bit less ambitious. Men liked the more ambitious women a little more. It played only a small role, but the effect was clear and positive.

Then the researchers flipped the lens. When women dated men who differed in ambition, they too liked the more ambitious partners a little more. The size of that liking was identical for men and women. Eastwick said physical attractiveness shows the same pattern.

That result has held for nearly 20 years, in speed dating, in ongoing relationships, and in data from more than 40 countries, Eastwick said. Meeting a real person face to face dramatically reduces the sex difference in how much those traits matter. Judging profiles online is different, as is stating preferences on paper.

The takeaway is to trust the date more than the checklist, and to believe your own experience when you are getting to know someone in person.