Keep Up Friendships Like Exercise
An eight-decade study finds relationships need workouts too, through small routines and shared interests.
TED · The Secret to a Happy Life — Lessons from 8 Decades of Research | Robert Waldinger | TEDResearcher Robert Waldinger, who has spent years tracking what keeps people happy and healthy into old age, has a prescription that sounds like advice from a personal trainer. He calls it social fitness, the idea that friendships do not take care of themselves and need tending, attention, and returning to over and over again, just like physical fitness.
His first rule is to be proactive. That means taking the initiative instead of waiting for a better week. Invite a friend for a walk on Saturday afternoon, as Waldinger put it, "instead of spending two more hours on your laptop."
Second, make it routine. Set a regular phone call, a coffee every Saturday, a meetup at the gym, or a lunch with a coworker, so seeing the most important people does not depend on memory or mood. For the people closest to home, whom it is easy to take for granted, liven things up by doing something new together, like going out on a date or taking a walk if that is not the usual pattern.
Third, join around a shared interest. Volunteer for a cause you care about, join a gardening club, a bowling league, or a political group, and let the common concern start the conversation. Being around others who share that concern is a natural place for an ongoing relationship to grow.
Finally, practice casual talk the way you would exercise a muscle. Strike up small conversations more often until it feels comfortable.
To know where to start, Waldinger suggests a fitness check. Ask whether you are as connected as you would like to be, and what you are missing. Some ties are for fun and partying, some are a sounding board when you are scared or worried, and some are practical help, like loaning tools or giving a ride to the doctor. Then add more of whatever is thin.
If that sounds like a lot, start with one invitation for this weekend.
Questions people ask
How do I know how much social time is enough for me?
There is no set number, and introverts genuinely need less. Pay attention to whether time with others energizes you or drains you, and whether you feel restored after a quiet talk with one person versus a larger gathering. The right amount is the amount that leaves you feeling as connected as you want to be.
Does talking to strangers really help?
A subway study found that people told to talk to a fellow rider expected to dislike it but ended the ride happier than those who kept to themselves. Even brief chats can give a small lift in well-being. Even the barista and the grocery checkout person count.
What if I feel awkward starting conversations?
Treat it as a learnable skill, not a fixed trait. Start small with a comment about the shared setting, like the long line or the community garden, and ask one open question. Many of the happiest people studied lived quieter lives.