Middle Schoolers Drop Old Friends to Show Who They Want to Be
The same girls who play happily at home may ignore a friend at school, because the group itself sends a message.
Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life · 291: How Your Kid’s Exclusion Hurts You Too | Michelle IcardIn middle school, being dropped by old friends usually is not about meanness. It is about identity, and friendship has become the outfit kids wear to show who they think they are.
That is how Michelle Icard, an expert on middle school, explains it. She says teenagers are bellying up to a buffet of identity. When they were younger, they did not think about what their friendships signaled. Now they realize their choice of companions tells classmates what kind of person they are trying to be.
Icard puts it in food terms. One child may still be happy with butter noodles and chicken tenders, while the rest of the table has decided that pizza with sausage is cool. The butter noodle kid has done nothing wrong, and has not become a bad person. She is simply developing at a different pace, with different tastes. For the others, sitting with the pizza eaters is a way of announcing, I am older and I am cool now.
That is why the same girls can seem warm in private and cold in public. Lisa Damour, who answers parent questions alongside Icard, has seen eighth graders happily play with American Girl dolls, the popular historical dolls and books, at a friend's house, then pretend they have never met her at school. Icard says she has lived both sides of it, as a third grader whose best friend would not play with her at school, and as a ninth grader who was embarrassed at school about enjoying arts and crafts playdates.
Damour offers another picture for parents to share with children. She compares each student to a lone particle eager to bond into a chemical compound, a stable little group. A left out child is often a free floating atom, liked by each member alone but not invited when the whole group is together, because the group fears any newcomer could upset its chemistry.
The takeaway is developmental, not moral. Children do not all grow in the same way, or keep the same interests they shared in third grade. Pressuring them to stay loyal to the old group asks them to freeze their growth, which does not work the way children actually develop.
Questions people ask
Do kids who split up in middle school ever become friends again?
Often, yes. Once tastes and social pressure even out in mid to late high school, many girls reconnect. Parents are advised not to trash the excluders, in part because the children may well become friends again.
Should I teach my child to stay loyal to old friends no matter what?
It can backfire. Insisting that children stick together because they have been friends since kindergarten pressures them to keep the same pace and interests, which they cannot control. It can also close the path back to each other later.
What should I say when my child asks if something is wrong with her?
That confusion is normal. It helps to tell a child the exclusion is about fit and timing, not worth, and to ask what small step would help her feel a little better, like inviting one friendly child to do something outside the big group.