Most relationships start lukewarm, not with a spark
Attraction usually grows from about minute 10 to day 30, as uncertainty slowly settles into wanting more.
Andrew Huberman · Science of Attraction, Compatibility & Romance | Dr. Paul EastwickForget feeling 100 out of 100 on a first date. Most relationships actually start in the middle, with a shrug, not a spark.
That is the typical beginning, says Paul Eastwick, who researches attraction. The first impression is middling. It feels average, neither thrilling nor disappointing. Then, if there is a second and third meeting, attraction often grows.
The reason is that the early phase is filled with uncertainty. You like someone, then it can turn on a dime, and that whiplash can be discouraging. People respond by hunting for clues, trying to ease the doubt. But the question is not whether the other person clears some bar for smarts or skill. It is simpler and murkier: as Eastwick puts it, "do I feel enough of something for you that I want to continue this that I want to keep going?"
That feeling builds gradually over several meetings. One day you notice he is pretty funny. Another day you notice he is a good listener. On another, you think he is really smart. Moment by moment, across different traits, you collect enough moments to think he seems kind, funny, or attractive when he does a certain thing. Keep coming back for more moments, and the liking accumulates.
Eastwick describes it as a window of uncertainty that slowly collapses. From about minute 10 to about day 30, each interaction adds a little more information until the impression steadies into wanting a relationship. That stretch is typical. People rarely know right away that this is it.
The same window can slam shut the other way. One bad moment can tip someone into feeling I cannot be with this person, the experience some people call the ick. Eastwick says men have these experiences too, and it remains little studied.
That in-between period remains mysterious because it is hard to study. It is easy to measure a reaction to a photo or a four minute meeting, and it is easy to recruit established couples and track whether they stay together. It is much harder to follow two people through those uncertain weeks as their feelings move from fine to wanting a relationship.
The takeaway is to expect the wobble. A merely okay first date is normal, and certainty, when it comes, is built.
Questions people ask
If the first date was just fine, should I go on a second?
Often, yes, if you felt neutral or mildly positive and safe. Since most relationships start middling, one fine meeting does not predict much. A second, low pressure meeting gives you more moments to learn whether you want to continue.
How many dates does the buildup usually take?
There is no fixed number, but the window described is weeks, not minutes. It means several meetings over weeks, long enough to see different sides of someone on different days. If curiosity is growing, that is the signal.
What is the ick?
It is slang for a sudden turnoff, when one moment makes someone feel they cannot continue dating a person. Eastwick says men have these experiences too. It is still little studied.