Skip the Attachment Style Question. Ask These Three First Date Questions Instead.

Sabrina Zohar, a relationship coach, says she has a least favorite first date question, and it is "What's your attachment style?" She argues that asking about attachment style, shorthand for how someone tends to behave in close relationships, tells you almost nothing, and she offers three replacements that tell you almost everything.

The problem, Zohar says, is that "people are terrible at self-identifying." On dating apps everyone describes themselves as healthy and confident and secure, and in person most people will claim the same. Zohar describes attachment styles as fluid, saying people "pendulum and swing." She also warns about a specific trap. If a date says "I'm avoidant," she says, you become hypervigilant and start scanning for disappointment. At that point, Zohar says, "you're no longer trying to connect with them. You're trying to get them to choose you."

Her substitutes are simple, direct, and meant to reveal patterns rather than diagnoses. In Zohar's words, they are "How'd your last relationship end and what did it teach you about yourself?", "How do you handle conflict?" and "And how do you see a relationship fitting into your life?"

Listen less for the biography and more for what it shows. On the breakup question, Zohar says she does not care about the ex. She wants accountability and growth. If all the exes were crazy, she notes, that person was the common denominator. On conflict, she wants to know what happens when things are not so great. Does the person talk immediately or need space, and if they need space, do they communicate it? On fit, she is testing priorities and whether someone has room in life for a real relationship.

That last one ended a courtship cleanly for her. A man she dated before her current partner told her a relationship was not really a priority because, as he put it, "I just got funding for a new movie and I'm going to Asia for eight months to film." They both understood it would go nowhere, and no one had to waste time.

Zohar pairs the questions with two ground rules. Know your non negotiables before you go, and ask early. If you know you want kids, she says, do not wait four months to learn the other person does not. And treat a first date as only a screen for a second date, and a second date as only a screen for a third, watching whether words and actions align so your nervous system has time to acclimate to someone new.

Start with the first question on your next date, and listen for accountability.