The Most Exhausting Friendships Are Not the Toxic Ones

Vanessa Van Edwards, a researcher who studies body language and social behavior, says "highly effective people are very good at not having anything ambivalent." That means being deliberate about social energy and work energy, and about asking for what restores energy rather than what drains it.

The worst drain, in her view, is not the openly toxic friend. It is the ambivalent one. Vanessa Van Edwards defines ambivalent as "you're not sure if you love it or hate it" and "you could take it or leave it," often feeling neutral while you are doing it. She compares it to "It's like an app running in the background," pulling power without you noticing it. She quotes the adage that things should be a "heck yeah, not a yeah."

You can spot one by the calendar test. You see the name and think about canceling because you are tired. You go anyway because you have been friends forever and it has been scheduled for weeks. During drinks or dinner, you wonder if you are actually having fun, or if you are just the fun one keeping it alive. Afterward you feel tired, you wish you had stayed home and watched TV, and you cannot remember much of what you talked about.

To sort it out, she recommends listing everyone in your life and grading them. Give a star to those you would move things around to see. Put a minus next to the people you dread seeing, including obligatory colleagues or relatives, and own that feeling without pretending otherwise. Flag the uncertain middle group with question marks, the ones you do not think about for weeks unless they pop up.

Then stop seeing the question marks, just for a while. Ask yourself her two questions about that pause: do you miss them, and is your life different without seeing them.