Three questions that get you past small talk with young people

Small talk usually sticks to names, schools, and jobs. Julie Lythcott-Haims, the former Stanford dean who wrote the book "Your Turn: How to Be an Adult," suggests going a level or two deeper, because those directory questions give you a resume, not a person.

Her reason is practical. She points to research that strong relationships predict a long and healthy life. She also tells readers they need to learn to talk to strangers and to advocate for themselves. She wrote the book to make readers feel seen for who they are.

The method is to swap the usual opener for one that invites a real answer. For a brief encounter where you want more than chitchat, such as meeting coworkers or relatives at a gathering, her example is, "If I'm to really know you, what do I need to know about you?" She plans to ask teens this on a panel.

When you see relatives during the holiday season, a second example is, "What's good in your life these days?" A second line is, "What have you got going on that really excites you?" Either one lets a relative share what has changed instead of leaving you to assume you already know.

For a niece, nephew, or other younger relative, a third example is, "Is there someone special in your life that I should know about?" The wording is deliberately open, with no assumption about gender or about whether the answer involves dating, work, or identity. That openness is the point because, as Lythcott-Haims puts it, "young people are desperate to be seen and heard and loved as they are."

Try one this week, and then listen.