To Get Over Social Fear, Invite 200 People and Never Flake
Emma Camp says three habits made her less anxious about social life: a clear pitch, a very long guest list, and keeping her word.
Not Dead Yet · Emma CampEmma Camp used to call herself a very socially risk-averse person. Now she holds a trophy for ranking in the top 0.1% of hosts on the party planning app Partyful, and she says the turnaround comes down to a system anyone can copy.
Start with a pitch. Camp says people need a clear reason to come to your house, and hers is cocktails. For a big party, she batches huge volumes of craft drinks, often around a theme. For a recent joint birthday party with her husband, who was born 14 days apart from her, they threw a toga party and she made Rome-themed drinks, including one called Little Italy.
Then invite big and do not keep score. When she meets someone new and enjoys talking with them, she asks for their number on the spot and adds them to the list for the next party. She says she will often invite close to 200 names, many of them people she has met only once, and get what she calls a 40-person yield. She does not dwell on the people who do not show up, and focuses on the people who do.
That approach rests on her view that people overrate how harshly others will judge them. People worry they will be seen as weird for texting a friend about dinner, asking an acquaintance for a phone number, or throwing a party. Nobody thinks that way about other people, Camp says, and "nobody is mad to be invited to something" or asked to get coffee.
The last rule is the strictest: Camp says "you're not allowed to flake." If you agree to go, you go, even when you are tired after work, unless you are truly sick. Camp admits she often packs up her bag wishing something would cancel her plans, then forces herself out and ends up having a fabulous time. Keeping your word, she says, is a duty to other people, not just to your own comfort. She learned the cost of soft commitments after moving from Washington, where 30 yeses meant 30 guests, to New York, where 30 yeses can mean 20. Ben Sasse says the maybe option on RSVP apps "has kinda ruined a generation," and Camp agrees it frustrates her.
If that sounds like a lot, start tonight. Answer the next invitation with yes, and then show up.
Questions people ask
Does inviting 200 people work if I live in a small apartment?
Yes, because you are planning for a fraction to come. Camp says she often invites close to 200 and gets about 40. If your space is smaller, start with 50 to 80 invites and adjust after you learn your own yield.
What if I don't drink or don't want to serve cocktails?
The principle is a specific pitch, not alcohol. A taco bar, a dumpling night, a backyard fire with s'mores, or a game tournament all give people the same clear reason to show up. Pick one thing you can make in volume and do well.
Isn't it rude to invite people you've only met once?
Most people experience it as flattering, not rude. People often underestimate how much others will like being invited. A low-pressure, group party invite is the safest kind of outreach because saying no costs the guest nothing.