To get your kid off a smartphone, quit with three other families

Jonathan Haidt, a social psychologist who studies teenagers and smartphones, says parents should not try to take a phone back on their own. Pulling it out by yourself, he says, is very painful for a child. Doing it with three or four other families at the same time can feel joyous instead.

The reason is that no child can quit alone. In experiments where college students are paid to leave social media for a month, they often feel better but also isolated. Haidt predicts that if a whole high school quit together, the benefit would be much larger, because the students would not feel isolated but would be more together. Haidt says, "The reason every 13-year-old girl has to be on Instagram is because every other 13-year-old girl is on Instagram."

So start with the parents of your child's three best friends. Say you think giving smartphones early was a mistake, and ask what they think. If they agree, take back the smartphones as a group and replace each one with a flip phone or other basic phone for calls and texts. Tell the kids they can still use a laptop or home computer for many online tasks, and that they will get a smartphone when they reach high school.

Then give something back in return. Haidt suggests telling the group that you want them to have a fantastic childhood with more time together in person. Offer a standing Friday sleepover that they plan themselves, plus money to go places together. Framed that way, he says, it is not deprivation.

What the children fear most is being alone and cut off. Avoid that, Haidt says. "It's not doors closing, it's doors opening."

The first step is one conversation with one trusted parent: did we give them these phones too soon, and will you quit with us?