When someone hurts, don't fix it, just stay with them

Brene Brown, a researcher who studies human connection, has learned what to do when someone tells you something painful. Do not try to fix it. Stay with them.

The method starts with what not to say. Empathy, Brown says, is not scripted. There is no decision tree, no perfect line that works every time. But she found one clear warning sign from her research. An empathic response rarely, if ever, begins with "at least."

We reach for "at least" because we want to make it better. Brown offered these examples: someone says, "I had a miscarriage," and we say, "at least you know you can get pregnant." Someone says, "I think my marriage is falling apart," and we say, "at least you have a marriage." Brown calls that trying to silver lining it and describes it as awful.

Say this instead, in her words: "I don't even know what to say right now, I'm just so glad you told me." That works, she says, because, in her words, "rarely can a response make something better" and "what makes something better is connection."

That connection does not require polish. If you can see in the other person's eyes that you missed, you can go back. Brown suggests saying, "Wait, I'm with you, keep telling me," or "I want to be in this with you." You can still go back if you miss.

Sometimes, she says, the most profound empathy has no words at all. She describes sitting next to someone and admitting that "the wheels are falling off," and having that person simply put a hand on top of yours and squeeze. It says the two words she calls the most important in her work: "me too."

So the next time you panic about saying the right thing, start by staying. Listen, stay present, and let the other person know you are glad they told you.