When Your Child Is Left Out, Don't Fix It. Ask What Would Help.
Name the pain, skip the rescue, and let her choose her own coping.
Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life · 291: How Your Kid’s Exclusion Hurts You Too | Michelle IcardYour 13-year-old has just seen the Snapchat posts of the sleepover she was not invited to, and she is crying and asking if something is wrong with her. The instinct is to rescue her, with ice cream, with a substitute plan, or with sharp words about the other girls.
Michelle Icard, whom Lisa Damour introduced as "a specialist in all things middle school" and the author of three books about middle school, says resist that rescue. First, name the pain plainly. Then ask one question and let her answer it. As Icard puts it, "What is something you could do to feel a little bit better?"
Letting her drive matters because parent suggestions usually get knocked down, Icard says. She may surprise you. She may say she wants Snapchat off her phone for a while, though she would cling to it if you ordered the same thing. She may say she just wants to cuddle and watch a movie. She may say she wants to spend time with a different peer, and you can then help her think that through, with a new activity or a call to someone she has not seen in a while.
Lisa Damour, the psychologist parents wrote to as Dr. Damour, often tells parents to say, "This stinks." She says pairing those words with the question sends a steadier message than frantic fixing. It says this is one of life's normal curveballs, it is not grave or unmanageable, and Damour calls the task here "high-quality coping."
Damour says that painful moment is a chance to show your child you believe she can handle it and that you will help her handle it. Icard adds, "You're not alone. We're here. We can get creative." Icard says listening to what helps also teaches you more about your child, as she learns about herself and shares it with you.
Questions people ask
What if my child says nothing will make her feel better?
As general guidance beyond this episode, stay close and make the next hour easier rather than solving the friendship. Offer two small, healthy options like a walk, a shower, or a show together. If low mood lasts for weeks, with loss of sleep, appetite, or interest in school, check in with your pediatrician or a counselor.
Should I just take Snapchat off her phone?
Not without her buy-in. Teens often cling harder when a parent imposes the cutoff, and they can still feel excluded through other channels. If she proposes the break herself, help her do it for a set time, and talk together about muting stories or taking weekends off.
Is it okay if her answer is just ice cream and a movie?
Yes, for tonight. Icard says whatever healthy thing the child names counts, even if that is ice cream and a movie. As general guidance, you can revisit bigger steps, like reaching out to another friend or trying an activity, once she is calmer.