Wishing people well keeps honesty kind and quiets judgment
Honesty, authenticity and integrity matter, but goodwill is what keeps candor kind.
TED · How to Speak So That People Want to Listen | Julian Treasure | TEDJulian Treasure, a speaker on sound and communication addressing an audience about why people stop listening, had just listed the habits that turn listeners off. He then offered four ground rules for speech worth hearing. They spell hail, which he defined as "to greet or acclaim enthusiastically." He said words standing on those four things will be received in that spirit, with a hearty welcome.
The rules are honesty, authenticity, integrity and love. Treasure defined honesty as "being true in what you say, being straight and clear." He defined authenticity as "just being yourself," adding that a friend of his "described it as standing in your own truth," which he called "a lovely way to put it." He defined integrity as "being your word, actually doing what you say, and being somebody people can trust."
Love got the most explanation. Treasure said, "I don't mean romantic love, but I do mean wishing people well." His point, in his words, was that "Tempered with love, of course, honesty is a great thing."
By that, he said, he meant that "I think absolute honesty may not be what we want." His example was, "my goodness, you look ugly this morning." Of that remark, Treasure said, "Perhaps that's not necessary." One way to read his point is that wishing the listener well keeps honesty kind.
His second reason concerned judgment. Treasure said that "if you're really wishing somebody well, it's very hard to judge them at the same time." He added, "I'm not even sure you can do those two things simultaneously." He suggested that trying to wish someone well makes judging them harder.
Questions people ask
Isn't honesty always good, even if it hurts?
Not always, in Treasure's account. He says, "I think absolute honesty may not be what we want." His answer is to temper honesty with wishing people well. His test is captured in his remark, "Perhaps that's not necessary."
What is the difference between honesty and authenticity here?
As Treasure uses them, honesty is about the words themselves, captured in his phrase about being true and clear. Authenticity is about the speaker, captured in his phrase about just being yourself. His friend's phrase for the second idea was standing in your own truth.
Can wishing someone well really stop you from judging them?
Treasure offers it as his own view, not as a proven rule. He says he is not even sure judging and wishing well can happen at the same time. In plain terms, trying to wish someone well leaves less room for condemnation, though it still allows disagreement.