You Can Belong Without Going All In
Author Luke Burgis describes choosing a lighter level of participation as a middle path between quitting a group and copying it completely.
The Minimalists · 559 | Social ContagionWhen Luke Burgis, an author who studies desire, was asked what social contagion means, he did not start with theory. He started with fatherhood.
A few years after becoming a parent, Burgis found himself living in a small Washington neighborhood full of families with children about his child's age. Without quite choosing it, he said, he had become part of the neighborhood dads group, absorbing its ideas about what a good father does.
The group's WhatsApp chat updated every 10 minutes with news about which park someone was visiting. Burgis left quickly because the stream overwhelmed him, yet he noticed the expectations followed him anyway, shaping how he thought he should parent, just as workplaces and friend groups can shape behavior.
Burgis argues that absorption is normal. People are pulled into families and teams and communities without realizing it, and then borrow what he calls a pseudo self, the self they think will keep other people's anxiety low and avoid disruption.
He contrasts that with what he calls a solid self, which can stay in a group without doing everything the same way. “you don't have to do all of the things,” Burgis said, describing the pressure to be 100 percent all in, an expectation he compared to political parties where deviation can mean exclusion.
His alternative, he said, is to be minimalist rather than maximalist about group identity. A person can opt out entirely, copy everything from birthday parties to chat groups, or choose a middle path and decide what level of participation feels right.
For Burgis, that meant remaining in the dads community without attending events three times a week or rejoining the chat. He said he had made peace with staying involved on his own terms.
Questions people ask
How can I tell if a want is really mine or borrowed from a group?
Notice when a want arrives right after exposure to other people, and ask what deeper need it points to. Burgis suggests tracing a thin surface want, like a hobby or purchase, to thicker aims such as friendship, nature, or rest, then finding a simpler way to meet that aim.
Does pulling back from a group mean rejecting it?
Not necessarily. Burgis stayed connected to the other fathers while skipping the chat and most events. Stepping back from one channel or ritual can reduce pressure while leaving room for the relationships and help the group actually provides.
What if I feel guilty for not joining in?
That discomfort is common, and Burgis frames it as part of building a steadier self. He recommends becoming comfortable disappointing others rather than constantly seeking approval.