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Ask questions instead of arguing
Touchy topics
Politics, religion, and other people's relationships are the topics that tend to blow up. Friendships end when one friend tries to show another something about their partner, because people are often blind to it in their own relationships and defensive when it is pointed out. Wanting someone to act or feel differently often just ends in screaming.
The Socratic method
The Socratic method gets around that. Questions guide a person through their own thinking until they land on the conclusion on their own. It requires coming in without an agenda and genuinely wondering whether this person could be right and whether you could be wrong.
Why openness matters
With that openness and a civil tone, so nobody is defensive, two people can normally reach agreement. Arriving with "That's wrong, I believe this, you shouldn't believe that" produces a screaming match in which no one changes their mind.
Where does the Socratic method come from?
The method is named for Socrates, who lived in Athens in the fifth century BCE and wrote nothing himself. Our picture of his questioning comes mostly from the dialogues of his student Plato. In them Socrates asks a series of short questions until the other person's claims run into a contradiction. Scholars call this technique the elenchus.
Why does being told you are wrong backfire?
Psychologist Jack Brehm proposed reactance theory in 1966. It holds that when people feel their freedom to choose is threatened, they push back and sometimes hold their position more firmly. A direct statement that someone is wrong can register as a threat to that freedom. Questions leave the conclusion in the person's own hands, which avoids that trigger.
Why can't people see problems in their own relationships?
Psychologist Emily Pronin and colleagues described the bias blind spot in a 2002 paper. People readily see bias in others' judgments while rating themselves as less biased than average. The same asymmetry applies when someone looks at their own partner or relationship. Outsiders often notice patterns that the people involved do not.
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