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Ask what they'd say yes to
Offer, don't take
When a conversation is flowing, the move is to offer rather than take: ask whether it's okay to give the person a number or contact. If they say yes, they will probably give theirs back. Saying you'll text yours works too. Either way, it checks whether the person wants to stay in touch.
The key question
The next step is a question: What would you love to be invited to? Or, for someone who might tag along to something you're attending, what kind of things would they love to say yes to? The answer shows what they would actually show up for.
Make it concrete
Picture a new friend who loves tacos and wants to try the taco place you just described. A date can be set right there, next Tuesday, Taco Tuesday at $3, and put in both calendars. When that feels like too much, a follow-up within a day or two that picks up the thread of the conversation keeps it going.
Why do vague plans rarely happen?
A plan that names no time or place leaves the decision to start with nobody. Psychologist Peter Gollwitzer calls the alternative an implementation intention, a plan that spells out when and where something will happen. In a 2006 review with Paschal Sheeran covering 94 tests, people who made such plans were substantially more likely to reach their goals than people who only intended to.
Why do people underestimate how welcome a message is?
In a 2023 series of studies led by Peggy Liu, people sent unexpected notes to acquaintances and predicted how much the recipients would appreciate them. Recipients consistently appreciated the notes more than senders had guessed. Senders focused on how well the message was written, while recipients focused on the warmth of being thought of.
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