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Let the kid drive the coping
Name the pain
Naming the pain comes first: this hurts, and it makes sense that it does. Trying to fix it with ice cream, a substitute friend, or badmouthing the other kids teaches a child nothing about coping with distress.
Ask what would help
Asking what would help lets the child lead. The answers vary: take Snapchat off my phone, cuddle and watch a movie, or I need to find someone else to hang out with. A parent's own suggestions tend to get knocked down, so the job is easier than it looks, and once the child names a direction the parent can offer help with it, like signing up for a new activity or reaching out to someone not seen in a while.
What the question tells her
The question also carries a message. Treating a child's distress as an emergency that has to be fixed right now tells her it is grave and that she can't handle it. Saying this stinks and asking what would help puts it among the curveballs life throws, to be met with high-quality coping, and tells her a parent expects she can handle it with help beside her. Her answers also show a parent pieces of who she is.
Why does naming a feeling calm it?
In a 2007 brain imaging study at UCLA led by Matthew Lieberman, people who put a name to the emotion shown in a face had less activity in the amygdala. The same task raised activity in the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex, a region tied to regulating emotion. Lieberman called the effect affect labeling.
Why do kids push back on parents' ideas?
Psychologist Jack Brehm proposed reactance theory in 1966. It says that when people feel a choice is being taken from them, they get an urge to restore it, often by doing the opposite of what is pushed. Adolescents, who are building independence, tend to show it strongly. Experiments since then have found the effect in settings from advertising to health messages.
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