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Stay neutral: you see two dimensions
Eighth grade is a tough year, and by the middle of high school, girls who drifted apart often find their way back, especially once the one left behind has caught up on interests. Parents who try to socially engineer it with appeals about friendship since kindergarten tend to wreck that path.
Neutral is the stance that works. Calling the other girls awful looks bad six months later, when they are being awesome and the kid wants to hang out with them. It resembles a friend's breakup: sympathy for her heartbreak is fine, but railing against the ex implies she never should have dated him, and they might get back together.
The 13-year-olds who seem so cruel are in the ex's position. They are probably not bad at all, and they may well come back into the picture.
Why does social rejection hurt so much?
In a 2003 UCLA study led by Naomi Eisenberger, people left out of a virtual ball-tossing game showed activity in the anterior cingulate cortex. That region also responds to physical pain. Participants reported distress even though the players excluding them were strangers on a screen.
Why do teens keep friendships out of parents' view?
Developmental psychologist Judith Smetana's research on social domains found that adolescents place friendship choices in a personal domain, where they believe the decisions belong to them. Parents often file the same choices under their own authority, which produces disagreements over who gets a say. Studies of adolescent disclosure show that teens share less with parents about their friendships as they get older.
More from Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens
