Korva is a scroll of the internet’s best ideas.
Mixed messages mean mixed feelings
Why the signals mix
The girls closest to her are the ones sending the mixed signals, which is no coincidence. They do like her, and some may still enjoy little-kid things, like playing with American Girl dolls at her house as eighth-graders. At school, with a cool image to keep up, they act as if they have never met.
If you can't tell how people feel about you, it is often because they can't figure out how they feel about you. That takes some of the anger out of the situation: these are 13-year-olds on a bumpy path of figuring out who they are, wanting to be cool and also enjoying this girl.
Both sides of it
Michelle Icard, who writes about middle school, has been on both sides of it. In third grade, the girl who invited her over became her best friend at home and wanted nothing to do with her at school. In ninth grade, she was the one who loved arts and crafts at another girl's house and felt embarrassed about it at school.
Can people really feel two ways at once?
Psychologist Jeff Larsen and colleagues at the University of Tennessee have shown that people can report happiness and sadness at the same moment. Their studies found the mix on bittersweet occasions such as graduation, which carry gains and losses together. Researchers call this state ambivalence.
Why do people act differently at school and home?
Sociologist Erving Goffman described this in his 1959 book The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. He compared social life to a theater, with a front stage where people perform for an audience and a back stage where they drop the act. The same person can look like two different people depending on who is watching. Goffman drew the idea from observing ordinary workplaces and communities.
Why do teens feel watched by everyone?
Psychologist David Elkind described the imaginary audience in 1967, the sense that everyone is watching and judging you. He argued it is common among young adolescents, when peers' opinions loom large. A scale developed by Elkind and Robert Bowen in 1979 found it peaking around eighth grade.
More from Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Raising Tweens & Teens
