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Potential is sexier than reality
Skipping the question
Accepting someone as they are raises a question: am I okay if I don't get those other parts? Potential skips it. Filling in the blanks with he could be this and he could do that quietly means I can fix them, change them, and save them.
Loving a version
Wanting to fundamentally change someone means loving the version you need them to become, which is a dangerous place to love from. A partner who needs to grow is not the other person's project. It's not your job to be their therapist or coach.
What if versus what is
A mother's line cuts through it: you're so focused on what if and not looking at what is, and if you looked at what is, you probably wouldn't be in this situation.
Why does the mind fill gaps with best cases?
Neuroscientist Tali Sharot has studied the optimism bias, the tendency to expect better outcomes for oneself than the odds support. In a 2011 study in Nature Neuroscience, Sharot, Christoph Korn, and Raymond Dolan found that people update their beliefs more after good news than after bad news. Brain imaging showed weaker coding of undesirable information in the left inferior frontal gyrus in people who showed the bias most.
Why does rescuing someone feel so appealing?
In a 1968 article in the Transactional Analysis Bulletin, Stephen Karpman described the drama triangle, in which people slip into three roles: persecutor, victim, and rescuer. The rescuer role offers a sense of purpose and worth, and it depends on someone else staying in need. Karpman was a psychiatrist trained in transactional analysis, the theory founded by Eric Berne.
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