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Tease to their face, never behind
Teasing to the face
The teasing to a friend's face is what builds the bond. Making light of a friend's dance moves or his free throw pokes fun at human foibles, and it carries quiet repair work: the teaser knows the friend can take it and will support him.
A friend can say anything to your face, even harsh criticism, and still not cut you down when you are gone. That loyalty is a critical component of friendship, and the same friends will buffer you against criticism from everyone else.
Teasing sets the rules
Teasing also brings what a group cares about into the open in a light-hearted way. Siblings do the same with nicknames, noogies, and wrestling, making sure everybody knows what matters and how not to violate the rules. A mistake calls for an apology, and the teasing fits that frame.
How do playmates signal that a jab is a joke?
In 1955 anthropologist Gregory Bateson observed monkeys at the San Francisco zoo and noticed that their play bites carried a message: this is play. He called such signals metacommunication. Dogs do something similar with the play bow, a front-down stance that Marc Bekoff documented as a signal that following nips are not aggression. Human teasers use tone, grins, and exaggeration for the same job.
Why does loyalty offstage matter so much?
Robin Dunbar proposed in his 1996 book Grooming, Gossip, and the Evolution of Language that talk replaced physical grooming as a way to keep bonds in larger groups. Under that view, what friends say about each other when absent is a form of reputation management. A friend who defends someone who is absent reinforces that person's standing in the group. Reputation in a group travels through exactly these conversations.
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