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Three first-date questions
The last relationship
The first is how their last relationship ended and what it taught them about themselves. The answer to listen for is accountability: whether all their exes were crazy, whether they learned anything, and what they changed their mind about.
Handling conflict
The second is how they handle conflict, whether they like to talk immediately or have space. If the answer is space, the follow-up is whether they communicate it. How things are when they are good matters less than how things are when they're not.
Where love fits
The third is how a relationship fits into their life right now. A man dated before Ryan said a relationship wasn't a priority, because he had just gotten funding for a new movie and was going to Asia for eight months to film. She understood it wasn't going anywhere. The question gauges emotional availability without being obvious about it.
Why does how people describe past relationships matter?
In 1992, Carole Buehlman, John Gottman, and Lynn Katz published a study of the Oral History Interview, in which couples described how they met and how their relationship had unfolded. Coders rated each interview for negativity, disappointment, and blame toward the spouse and the marriage. Those ratings predicted which couples would divorce within three years. How a person narrates a relationship history carries information beyond the events themselves.
Why does conflict style matter more than agreement?
Gottman reported that roughly 69 percent of the problems couples argue about are perpetual, rooted in lasting differences in personality or needs, and are never fully resolved. Stable couples were distinguished by how they discussed those problems, using humor and affection rather than sinking into gridlock. His research suggests that a couple's way of arguing tells you more than the topic.
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