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Make them feel heard first
Most people get defensive under criticism, and when one person pushes and the other pushes back, things escalate. That is how small things in relationships blow up into huge arguments: tensions bottle up, and nobody wants to hear the other person because everyone is guarding against being wrong.
Even a badly delivered complaint, full of labels and "you always," goes differently when the answer is that you didn't realize you were doing it, you had no idea it made them feel that way, you get it, and you won't do it again.
It is hard to stay mad at someone who says that. The fight needs resistance, and without it there is nothing to push against. The point is a mutual understanding that lets both people go forward happy, whoever turns out to be right.
Why does pushing back make arguments escalate?
Gottman's research describes a state he calls flooding, in which a person's heart rate rises above about 100 beats per minute during conflict. In that state people struggle to process information and hear what the other person says. A counterattack adds to the other person's arousal, which raises their own, and each side feeds the other. The pattern is a feedback loop, which is why arguments can speed up so quickly.
Why does feeling understood end an argument?
Psychologists Carl Rogers and Richard Farson described active listening in a 1957 paper written for business and industrial leaders. They argued that restating what the other person said, and showing that you understood it, changes the relationship between speakers. Rogers had developed the approach in client-centered therapy. People who feel understood tend to relax their defense and become more willing to listen in return.
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